After clinical I stayed behind to see if I could figure out how to get wireless access on my iPod Touch and that took MUCH LONGER than necessary. I spent a long-while trying to figure it out myself, made some progress with one wireless network, but then got stuck with the hospital wireless. So then decided I better call the help-line. But before I could do that, a man from my church saw me and came over to talk (I learned his wife was having surgery and he was waiting to find out when he could go up to see her). We probably talked for about 30 minutes--including a conversation about nursing caps. I finally called the help-line, but apparently there were a number of wireless issues/outages today and so the help-line was barraged with calls this afternoon. After another 20 minutes or so of being on hold, I just left my number for them to call back. On my way out of the hospital, they finally called me back, just to find out that I really needed to talk to the hospital computer helpline for my 2nd problem, not the university helpline... finally got the issue resolved.. I'm not sure what time I finally left the hospital to grab the bus, but the sun was definitely moving towards sunset. Needless to say, I spent WAY to many hours at the hospital!
On the ride home, I finally let myself start to process my day and what I'm feeling about this upcoming clinical experience. I'm basically feeling overwhelmed, anxious and a host of other emotions. I'm dealing with the uncertainty of joining a new unit (clients will be in the trauma/ortho focus), adjusting to a new clinical instructor (who has high expectations--which I love, don't get me wrong!), increased requirements for our care plans. There's also a lecture component that goes with this clinical and we haven't even had our first lecture yet (that's Monday). Plus add on a whole other class---Pharmacology! I'm definitely not whining or complaining. I'm simply overwhelmed and feeling the weight of my responsibilities. We all have moments when we wonder if we're going to be able to rise to the challenge. Reality is that this is not a shock or surprise to me. I knew in advance that this was going to be a tough semester with increased responsibilities and expectations. I didn't know exactly what the increase was going to look like, but I knew it was coming.
There are so many emotions involved. And likely some hormone changes too! There are feelings of inadequacy, deep down wondering if I'm going to be able to manage it all. The age old questions of "What have I gotten myself into? Is this really what I want?" pop in my head. Terrifying questions of "Am I going to end up falling behind, dropping out?" I also think there's a good dose of grieving going on too. Grieving my loss of free time. Grieving this return to student life (feels like going backwards sometimes--although I know it's going to open many doors). Grieving loss of personal/social life. Grieving being single and needing to be responsible for myself and knowing there's really no one looking out for me. Feeling and grieving that I'm un-covered.
So, this evening, by the time I was pulling into my neighborhood, I was thinking "I seriously need a hug or a good cry to let go of all this pent of emotion and anxiety. Actually, I'm so close to tears, that a hug will probably easily send me into tears." I drove up to my mailbox, opened it, and found my name and address scrawled on an envelope. I thought, "Yay! a personal card!" and turned the envelope over to find the address of my church on the back flap. Still sitting in my car, grateful for the distraction, I ripped it open. Immediately I remembered my actions on Sunday. I had been in a hurry to leave after the worship service, but went ahead and took the time to fill out a Prayer Request form asking for prayer for my upcoming semester. Inside was a note from Pastor Mark. "Joy, we are praying for you- praying that the Lord sustains you, protects you, and strengthens you throughout this semester..." Barely through the first sentence, the tears came. Hot and salty.
I was hungrily eating up the words, crying and again marveling at the Lord's provision. It was His hand that moved me to fill out the Prayer Request form. It was He who gave Mark the words to write. It was He who controlled the hand of the postal service to deliver it today--the day I needed it most. If I had received it yesterday or even tomorrow, it likely would not have had the same meaning or have touched me as deeply or profoundly. It felt like God's arms reached straight out of heaven to hold me--to HUG me. What was I saying just minutes before I opened my mailbox? Oh yes, "I seriously need a hug or a good cry..." I got BOTH.
Now we all know that hugs do not actually fix anything. There is nothing about my circumstances that have changed. I still have a challenging semester ahead. I still have stress and anxiety in regards to the coming semester. But hugs have their own unique power. In her article, "The Importance of Hugs", author Randa Williamson-Maloy says, "A hug provides solace, safety and tenderness." (She says a lot more than that about hugs, so I totally recommend reading the full article.) It's true, while my felt need at that moment was for a hug, in essence I really wanted someone to say "I'm here. I'm listening. I'm not going anywhere. I've got you." That was the hug from heaven. Mark did not say any of those things, he was simply responding to my request for prayer. Mark's note was the means by which I was reminded of God's constant presence in my life. His love for me. His sovereignty. His omniscience. His strength in my weakness. His compassion. His friendship. His mercy. His grace.
And what about Mark's prayer for the Lord to sustain, protect and strengthen me? In a really wonderful and real way, I'm already tasting this! God used Mark to breathe the reality of God's presence into my soul, which I desperately needed. This evening, I have been sustained and strengthened, and my heart has been protected/guarded from the Evil One's desire to isolate me, and make me to think I'm alone in this. The evil one wants me to believe that I'm on my own and that I've been abandoned or forgotten by my Heavenly Father. He's the one who whispers to me "You are on your own, you have to go it alone." Lies.
I admit that I have prayed weak prayers, likely even half-hearted prayers, for God to grab hold of my heart and life. And I'm tasting this. Today. In this moment. What a gift. God, you get the glory.
I want to close this post with some verses that the Lord brought to my mind this evening. 2 Corinthians 4: 8-9 (NLT) "We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed..." Here's it is with the entire chapter--but in The Message translation.
2 Corinthians 4 (The Message)
Since God has so generously let us in on what he is doing, we're not about to throw up our hands and walk off the job just because we run into occasional hard times. We refuse to wear masks and play games. We don't maneuver and manipulate behind the scenes. And we don't twist God's Word to suit ourselves. Rather, we keep everything we do and say out in the open, the whole truth on display, so that those who want to can see and judge for themselves in the presence of God.
If our Message is obscure to anyone, it's not because we're holding back in any way. No, it's because these other people are looking or going the wrong way and refuse to give it serious attention. All they have eyes for is the fashionable god of darkness. They think he can give them what they want, and that they won't have to bother believing a Truth they can't see. They're stone-blind to the dayspring brightness of the Message that shines with Christ, who gives us the best picture of God we'll ever get.
Remember, our Message is not about ourselves; we're proclaiming Jesus Christ, the Master. All we are is messengers, errand runners from Jesus for you. It started when God said, "Light up the darkness!" and our lives filled up with light as we saw and understood God in the face of Christ, all bright and beautiful.
If you only look at us, you might well miss the brightness. We carry this precious Message around in the unadorned clay pots of our ordinary lives. That's to prevent anyone from confusing God's incomparable power with us. As it is, there's not much chance of that. You know for yourselves that we're not much to look at. We've been surrounded and battered by troubles, but we're not demoralized; we're not sure what to do, but we know that God knows what to do; we've been spiritually terrorized, but God hasn't left our side; we've been thrown down, but we haven't broken. What they did to Jesus, they do to us—trial and torture, mockery and murder; what Jesus did among them, he does in us—he lives! Our lives are at constant risk for Jesus' sake, which makes Jesus' life all the more evident in us. While we're going through the worst, you're getting in on the best!
We're not keeping this quiet, not on your life. Just like the psalmist who wrote, "I believed it, so I said it," we say what we believe. And what we believe is that the One who raised up the Master Jesus will just as certainly raise us up with you, alive. Every detail works to your advantage and to God's glory: more and more grace, more and more people, more and more praise!
So we're not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us. There's far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can't see now will last forever.
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