Limbo and waiting is no fun.

Today in clinical, when my co-assigned nurse asked me if I was married, I told her I wasn't...and then somehow I ended up telling her my story of unrequited love. Okay, I wasn't that dramatic, nor is my story. But again, here's another person, who doesn't even know me, who thinks I should just tell this handsome, kind man that I like him and see if he might feel the same. But the problem is, it goes against every bone in my body - or at least the romantic bones. What am I afraid of? Well, rejection for one, but also I really don't want to embarrass him or myself (in his presence). And maybe I just don't want to give up my fantasy either. But I have got to stop living in this limbo land--which if I'm honest, feels like never-ending rejection because my heart wants what it wants.

I'm realizing life is short. Finally at 37 years of age, I'm realizing life is too short and too precious to waste pining after one man...but despite my attempts to walk away...my heart wants what it wants. I am much closer to getting up the courage to talk to him about it. I've started the conversation in my head a million times, but it's just so awkward. But maybe that's just what it has to be. Is awkward better than nothing? Is botching it better than nothing? Embarrassing myself for the prospect of love? Hmm? Or is this just desperation? Is this me not trusting God? Probably a little bit of both, but reality is, I have waited. So how does a person know it's time to move ahead?

On Sunday, Psalm 27 was read in the worship service. The last two verses of the chapter hit me over the head as I contemplated my frustration and heartache over this man: "I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living! Wait for the Lord; be strong and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!"

Wait. For how long? At what point does waiting become disobedient? When does moving towards someone become disobedient?  I believe it's a matter of the heart and my intentions. So my confusion continues. But I am closer to being ready to put my heart on the line for this man. He's definitely worth it...now it's just a matter of me believing I'm worth it too.