Happy New Year!

Out with the old and in with the new?

I was reflecting back on 2011 and I realized that my trip to Haiti was THIS YEAR. Really? It seems like forever ago! (I never did post any pictures or post anything about my trip. Shame on me.)

One last semester of nursing school is on the agenda for the new year, as well as the NCLEX licensure exam. It's really hard to fathom that in less than 4.5 months I will be graduating and embarking on a new career. Time has flown by! Hopefully this next semester will fly by too! The focus this semester will be on Maternal/Newborn nursing and Pediatric nursing. Hopefully they'll be enjoyable and make this next semester enjoyable too.

What am I looking forward to in 2012?
(In no particular order)

• Graduating (in a little over 130 days!) and achieving my RN credentials this summer
• Turning 38 and starting my "Marathon to Forty" training (okay, more like run a marathon before I'm 40)
• Starting my first nursing job, being gainfully employed and putting money into savings! YES!
• Getting my '96 Honda to 250,000 miles!  (Already +220K)
• Losing another 25 lbs.

That's only my quick and easy list. I'm working on a longer wishlist that I may share later (i.e. kayaking and/or camping trip).

I do wonder if I'll still be living in my same community this time next year. I am concerned about finding a hospital job locally (Magnet status hospitals generally do not want to hire ADN's--and that's all we've got here). I guess I really should start thinking about where I'd be willing to move. South Carolina is an easy one, as I have many high school and college friends there. But I'll probably need to consider other parts of Virginia and maybe Maryland (where I know no one!). I could do Columbus, Ohio as my sister and her family live there (and it snows there!). I've never up and moved where I knew no one before (even in Liberia, I knew a few people before I moved there for a year). Could be a nice fresh start or it could be painfully lonely. Sigh. I do need to consider that my parents are aging, so it's unlikely that I'd move to Colorado or California or Hawaii. Hey, new nurses are needed everywhere (except here I guess). I could move to the Southwest, work on my Spanish and then move back to Virginia. I'm pretty neutral about staying local, so I think I could go just about anywhere. Okay, maybe not back to West Virginia. Three months was enough for me.

As it is, no location really sticks out to me and no specific area of nursing sticks out to me. Which in a sense makes it doubly difficult. I wish I knew one or the other as that would give me a bit more direction. I'm hoping that this next semester I will gain a better sense of what I'm looking for. HOWEVER... I should be applying for jobs now. Crazy to think I should be applying for jobs that would start late in the summer! Aarrgh. The other thought is that if I decide to stay local, and no job offers... I maybe going straight into an RN to BSN program and getting that done first. We'll see.

Well, I have a list of things to do before I head off to ring in the New Year...and of course a nap at some point! haha!

May grace and peace be yours in 2012,

Joy

That's What She Said

"We should all start to live before we get too old. Fear is stupid. So are regrets." --Marilyn Monroe

Yep. I have many fears and regrets. Especially in the area of love and friendship. It's primarily my insecurity and fear that disable me from putting myself out there. Rejection and loss are what stop me from doing what I deep down want to do but am too afraid. Years of not being pursued (not counting online dating) leave a girl to believe she's undesirable, mediocre, or flat out repulsive. Is it my looks? my height? my weight? my personality? Is there nothing about me that would garner a second date? an invitation? Dang- it's depressing. Kind and/or flattering words from other women do nothing to negate the internal beliefs that paralyze or disable me. Perhaps it's my insecurity or lack of belief in myself that others are turned off by?  I know that men often struggle with feeling like frauds or rather fear being exposed as a fraud. I think I have this fear too. Fear of Being Known, DEEPLY known, and then rejected.

I certainly can see it now as I pursue nursing. I certainly do not feel like a nurse, nor do I believe that I am one. I suppose it's the license that I expect will define me. But I KNOW that even when I pass the licensure exam, I will still feel like a fraud. Mostly because I will lack experience and won't have yet honed my nursing instincts. The piece of paper will say that I'm a nurse...but I sure won't feel like one for quite a while.

I think my mind needs to be rewired. At least in how I think of myself. It's not that I lack confidence-- as I have certainly excelled at past jobs and have KNOWN that I did really good work. I wish I had the confidence and belief/love for myself that would allow me to really put myself out there in full faith of my incredible-ness.  I suppose what I'm really waiting for is for someone to validate me. But I know better. That's  setting myself up for failure and misery.  But I'd say I'm already there.

Semester Four: Complete!

The semester is over. Actually it's been over (for me) since this past Tuesday at 11 am when I took my last final exam. I got a B in my Advanced Med-Surg course (disappointed) and got an A in my Pysch Nursing course. Going into my Med-Surg final, I had the opportunity to bump my course grade to an A by scoring an A on my final exam, but alas it did not happen. Studying for finals was so very difficult for a number of reasons, but I'm pretty sure that it was because I've been so tired, emotional spun and was just was not motivated to study. I'm just glad the semester is over and that I've got about six weeks to regroup and refocus.

Next semester is my last, so it will be an emotional battled again. I will have Pediatric Nursing and Obstetric Nursing (each four credits). Oh, and we'll have some sort of Nursing Dimensions course which is a hybrid course so it will not meet in the classroom every week. Thankfully the Dimensions course is only one credit hour and there are no tests/quizzes- only discussion board posts I think. Next semester is going to be a bit strange in that our Day cohort will be split between two different lecture days. Due to the limited clinical spaces for Peds and OB, they will be using our lecture days as clinical days. So half of the Day cohort will have lectures on Thursdays, the other half on Fridays. I suppose it's possible that someone could avoid having clinical assigned to them on Thursday and Friday and could choose to do their lecture classes on different days. But I'm thinking for simplicity's sake and saving gas/time, I will probably chose to do all my lectures on one day. Not ideal if we have tests/quizzes the same day/same week. We won't get our clinical assignments until early January--so I've got some time to think about it. I should drop an email to the lecture instructors and ask if they are coordinating testing/quiz days, so that we can avoid doubling up tests on one day. That would be rough. But nothing I can really do about it now... plus there's no sense stressing about it when I don't have enough info to know the reality.

So the day after my final exam I started my holiday job. I have no idea why I didn't wait another day to give myself a breather. Oh well. After my first day I was sooo tired. Walking around a concrete warehouse pushing a cart and collecting products for shipping is hard on the feet, knees, hips and lower back. Ha! Thank goodness they have the massage chair! Wonder if there are gift certificates for foot massages? haha!!! Heck maybe I should go for the whole shebang. Anyways, I'm working four days a week through early January. Last year my exams were earlier, so I was able to work almost a whole week more than I will get this year, but at least it's something I can put in the bank! Sadly, I think I may have to purchase another laptop before returning to classes in January. Not too happy about that. My laptop has been good to me. Bought it in 2006 as I was preparing to leave for Liberia. I honestly did not think it was going to survive Liberia (climate/theft), but it's lasted over five years and the average lifespan of a laptop is about two years (or so I've heard). I've been so happy with my Toshiba that I'm probably going to get another one. Definitely no Acers or HP's for me... I've seen too many Dell's with problems and I think Sony's are overrated. I guess now is the time to be shopping for one--with the holiday sales and "no interest" options out there. I hate to even start looking. I spent about three to four months researching and price-stalking the one I have currently. And to even think about getting it up and running by mid-January freaks me out a little. I think I'll also be buying an external hard-drive so that I'm not transferring everything over to the new laptop--just the pertinent files. I might also try to "clean" my current laptop and see if pulling off data and programs will help out the speed/lag problems I'm experiencing now. Guess my earnings from my part-time (artist) job will go towards buying the laptop. Sigh. I so need to finish school, pass boards and start a nursing job, so that I can start earning/saving money again.  145 days to graduation!

In other news...I saw him today. He and I were driving through same parking lot this morning. I was arriving, he was probably leaving the nearby gas station. He didn't see me. At the realization that was him (I'm parking my car), my  knees and elbows went immediately weak and my heart started pounding and I just got this sick feeling in my stomach. If I had been talking to someone, I probably would have been incoherent for a few minutes. Shock. So completely unexpected that it turned me for a loop. Since he lives primarily in another city, it did not even cross my mind that I might bump into him in town. I think that set back any small progress I'd made in my heart. Sigh. Maybe I should sign up for online dating again-- at least while I'm on a school break--to help distract me. I'm definitely not optimistic about potentials. Oh, I really don't want to think about that either.

Well, it's time for me to get cracking on some soup making. The homeowners are coming in tonight for the holidays, so today is the best option for making a mess of the kitchen (as opposed to when they are here). I'll be making enough soup to last me until school starts (I hope)--at which point I'll have another big soup making day. :D

Merry Christmas and may the peace of the Lord be with you.

Joy

No Chance of Survival

I'm stubborn. I've been painfully stuck. Heartbroken over and over from my own foolish notions of love and hope and dreaming the impossible dream.

In a moment of clarity and willfulness, I have taken steps to make it easier to get unstuck. To let go. To be free again. It was a scary, tearful moment. 

I unfriended him. December 9, 2011.

A small step, I know. But in that moment it felt like death. It's terribly painful to unfriend someone who you have held out hopes would move from friendly to something more. All those years wasted. My hope, my love, my desires wasted on someone who was essentially rejecting me. Unrequited love.

The shame is thick. Embarrassed now that others saw my weakness - my blatant denial of reality for all those years. Some tried to speak reality into the situation, but I was not ready to hear them as it was just too painful to hear. 

However in this moment of unfriending, there is fear. Fear because there is still a nagging hope. Even if there's 5% chance... I still hope.

I just want this specific hope crushed - with NO chance of survival. At this point, after all these years, I think it's the only way I can move on and heal.