In a moment of clarity and willfulness, I have taken steps to make it easier to get unstuck. To let go. To be free again. It was a scary, tearful moment.
I unfriended him. December 9, 2011.
A small step, I know. But in that moment it felt like death. It's terribly painful to unfriend someone who you have held out hopes would move from friendly to something more. All those years wasted. My hope, my love, my desires wasted on someone who was essentially rejecting me. Unrequited love.
The shame is thick. Embarrassed now that others saw my weakness - my blatant denial of reality for all those years. Some tried to speak reality into the situation, but I was not ready to hear them as it was just too painful to hear.
However in this moment of unfriending, there is fear. Fear because there is still a nagging hope. Even if there's 5% chance... I still hope.
I just want this specific hope crushed - with NO chance of survival. At this point, after all these years, I think it's the only way I can move on and heal.
First, I do love that someecard. Also, I am so surprised at the action taken. Good for you? I know that was SO incredibly hard. And I know that the hardest part is now...the not being connected and still having hope. I've been there. It's rough, and especially as you already have plenty going on with exams and such. Thinking of you.
ReplyDelete