That's What She Said

"We should all start to live before we get too old. Fear is stupid. So are regrets." --Marilyn Monroe

Yep. I have many fears and regrets. Especially in the area of love and friendship. It's primarily my insecurity and fear that disable me from putting myself out there. Rejection and loss are what stop me from doing what I deep down want to do but am too afraid. Years of not being pursued (not counting online dating) leave a girl to believe she's undesirable, mediocre, or flat out repulsive. Is it my looks? my height? my weight? my personality? Is there nothing about me that would garner a second date? an invitation? Dang- it's depressing. Kind and/or flattering words from other women do nothing to negate the internal beliefs that paralyze or disable me. Perhaps it's my insecurity or lack of belief in myself that others are turned off by?  I know that men often struggle with feeling like frauds or rather fear being exposed as a fraud. I think I have this fear too. Fear of Being Known, DEEPLY known, and then rejected.

I certainly can see it now as I pursue nursing. I certainly do not feel like a nurse, nor do I believe that I am one. I suppose it's the license that I expect will define me. But I KNOW that even when I pass the licensure exam, I will still feel like a fraud. Mostly because I will lack experience and won't have yet honed my nursing instincts. The piece of paper will say that I'm a nurse...but I sure won't feel like one for quite a while.

I think my mind needs to be rewired. At least in how I think of myself. It's not that I lack confidence-- as I have certainly excelled at past jobs and have KNOWN that I did really good work. I wish I had the confidence and belief/love for myself that would allow me to really put myself out there in full faith of my incredible-ness.  I suppose what I'm really waiting for is for someone to validate me. But I know better. That's  setting myself up for failure and misery.  But I'd say I'm already there.